"Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall": Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: "Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall"

History: "Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall" has a bunch of supposed origin stories: One posits that Humpty Dumpty was unlikeable humpbacked king, another that he was a slow-moving shield of armor. I don't know. The only thing they all seem to agree on is that Humpty Dumpty was not, in fact, an anthropomorphic, uncoordinated egg.

Atmospherics: Lollygaggery; whimsical whimsicality.

Analysis: Let us accept the ridiculous premise. Let us assume that Humpty Dumpty is a walking, talking egg. He lives among humans. He pays taxes. He wears clothes. He sees attractive women and thinks about them later while he fondles his egg penis. He has a soul and feelings and thoughts and aspirations. He is, for all intents and purposes, a man.

Even still, there are a hefty amount of inaccuracies and curiosities within the song. Line by line:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Hey, jackass. If you're an egg, maybe you don't go climbing walls. Maybe you just chill the fuck out on the ground with all of the other things that explode upon impact? I'm saying, I can't think of any foodstuff more ill-structured for extreme sports than an egg. I mean, when's the last time Danny DeVito went skydiving, y'know?

All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

:/

You know what's never ever happened? Nobody has ever broken their arm and then been like, "Quick, SOMEONE CALL A HORSE!" If I need to ride out of town after robbing a stagecoach or if I need to kick a field goal during a Super Bowl commercial, I'll call a horse. But if I need to mend a snapped appendage, I'm probably gonna go with a doctor or a nurse or even a boy scout or ANYTHING BUT A GODDAMN HORSE.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the ground