Randy Newman's "You've Got A Friend In Me": Why This Song Sucks (Movie Theme Song Edition)

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Randy Newman's "You've Got A Friend In Me"

History: "You've Got A Friend In Me" is the theme song from Toy Story. It came out in 1995. Teenagers pretended like they didn't like the song then, even though they totes liked it authentically. Today, those same people pretend to like it authentically, even though they're totes only doing so ironically. The fuckin' Internet, man. It's making assholes of us all.

Because somehow there didn't exist a picture of Woody's head on Tupac's body with a "Totes Life" tattoo.

Atmospherics: Like wonky, loopy, feather-lite jazz; like wobbly-voiced tomfoolery; like Randy Newman's lips are mad at each other and the words are stumbling over each other to get out of the way.

Scientific Analysis: Let's all not pretend like we weren't sitting there absolutely awestruck at the end of Toy Story 3 when the toys were seconds away from being incinerated, like we all weren't millimeters from tears when they all decided they were ready to die, like that wasn't one of the most compelling movie moments of all-time. Let's not do that.

But let's also not pretend "You've Got A Friend In Me" is a scientifically valid. Because it's not. Dispute being little more than a couple of minutes long, it is fat with curiosities. Let's start with the lyrics:

"When the road looks rough ahead, and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed, you just remember what your old pal said: Boy, you've got a friend in me."

Oh, cool. Thanks. But you know what might help a little more if I'm miles and miles from my nice warm bed? A GODDAMN CAR, is what.

"If you've got troubles, I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."