Fuck You You Fucking Baldists
Back in July, I met Slash for the first time ever. Sure, it's daunting and all to meet the guy whose MTV video solos you imitated on your coffee table with a broom.
It has come to this
But then he was all, "I think we've met before."
Uh, no. We had not. I think I would have remembered.
Then it hits. He thinks I'm some other bald bearded dude he's met before, someone approximately my age. Our beloved Slash, master shredder of strings, legend of rock is a fucking baldist.
Baldism -- ie discrimination based on hair quantity -- is a scourge on the entertainment industry. Baldists of all stripes are constantly forcing bald or balding men to feel ashamed, inspiring needless hat-wearing, facial hair neglect, or worse, self-harm in the form of hair transplantation.
Remember this rattail?
How serious of a problem is baldism? Not only is being bald classified as a disease but, as hairless hero Larry David told the Huffington Post last year: "When's the last time you saw a bald president? There'll be a woman and a Jewish president and maybe even a Muslim president before a bald president. That's my prediction: There'll be a Muslim president before a bald president." The truth hurts.
While David has stood up for our types on Curb Your Enthusiasm and elsewhere, the music industry has few heroes. Its baldism doesn't stop with Slash, and even some of our heroes are self-hating baldists, Vichy-ist collaborators siding with bald-hating oppressors.
The worst offenders of self-hating baldists are, indeed, the shameful hair-trainsplanters. These guys are the scum of the bald world. Not only are they willingly besmirching beautiful bald heads with surgery, they're giving money to doctors trying to "cure" that which needs no curing. At the top of this list is Metallica's Kirk Hammett. Slayer's Kerry King -- a proud metal baldy -- ought to have a stern chat with him.
Next up are the hat-wearers. Worst of these is Fred goddamn Durst. Just behind him is Tom Morello -- whose consistent social activism never supports his own oppressed group of bald brethren. The Edge is another hat head, and no, it is not "even better than the real thing." Asshole.
Just below the Vichy-ists and coverers are the unnecessary goatee class who think that hair, no matter where it is, still has meaning. Look at poor Scott Ian. Can't he just take a cue from the legendary Rob Halford and kill that fucking raccoon attacking his chin? System of a Down's Shavo Odadjian does it one step worse by braiding his face-tail.
With all this talk of baldist collaborators and shame-spiraling facial hair. Bald musicians have plenty of heroes that are untouchable.