This Is the Mixtape I Made For the Guys Who Keep Breaking Into My Car

By Shea Serrano Thu., Nov. 29 2012 at 7:11 AM

Lloyd Banks, "Get Clapped"
Most applicable line: Well...

I wanted to pick "I'm hella rowdy and I'm nothin' nice," but it's likely no stone killer has ever responded to multiple robberies with a homemade semi-aggressive mixtape. Irony is always fucking up my game.

Big Tuck, "Tussle"
Most applicable line: ALL OF IT

THIS.
SHIT.
BANGS.

Jermaine Jackson, "Do What You Do"
Most applicable line: "Why don't you do what you do when you did what you did to me?"

Because I'm still not sure I entirely understand what's happening in the chorus. Is he asking for someone to do something? Is he asking why someone did something? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?

Michael Jackson, "Human Nature"
Most applicable line: "Why? Why?"

Why?

Tupac, "Hit 'Em Up"
Most applicable line: "First off, fuck yo' bitch and the clique you claim."

Definitely* the first thing I'm going to say to them when I inevitably happen across them thumbing through the envelopes in my glove box someday.

*"Definitely" is a dauntingly firm word. Probably closer to "What could possibly be," would be my guess.

Green Day, "Platypus (I Hate You)"
Most applicable line: "Dickhead, fuckface, cock-smoking mother fucking asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die."

I just wish I got to call people "dirty twat" more often.

I hope that they take the tape and I hope that they listen to it. In my most auspicious imaginings, they respond in kind, and it becomes this regular amazing thing that I start talking about WAY too much. Eventually, we fall in love and we court each other and we know it can't work but we try anyway because that's what love is all about.

Really though, I just hope they don't pee on my seats.

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SheaSerrano

@brianjrogers hahaha. Fool. That's what we in the business refer to as a "call back."

brianjrogers

@SheaSerrano What business is that? The coloring book biz? The 7th grade questions biz? B&E? How many hustles you got, Big Timer?

SheaSerrano

@brianjrogers These boys eat A LOT.

SheaSerrano

@brianjrogers Give me 20 minutes.

brianjrogers

@SheaSerrano Awesome! No hurry, though. I'm getting a "Mayor" sash tattooed across my torso first. That's gotta heal up y'know.

SheaSerrano

@brianjrogers I will absolutely do that, yes.

brianjrogers

@SheaSerrano Now that you're drawing on commission, can you design a big facin face tattoo for me that I can take to my ink guy?

David C Thompson

When I lived in Hollywood, we never locked our car. All the cars in our lot would get broken into, but we left a handful of change in the console that would disappear every couple of weeks. Symbiosis.