Here Are the Songs I Played On a Long Car Trip to Get My Sons to Shut Up
7:15: Okay, fuck the bullshit. Time for the ace: the brilliant "Nate In '08" mix that DJ Steve1der made four years ago. If you've not heard it, download it IMMEDIATELY. It is absolutely perfect. It's of course all of Nate Dogg's best choruses and verses, but it's also clips of songs that Nate sampled. No hyperbole: the whole thing is transcendent. If Nate can't get this ship right, we might as well just drive the car right the fuck into oncoming traffic.
7:39: Is this working??? Because I think it is. Holy Christ. Nate Dogg's pristine g-funk has soothed Rosemary's Baby.
7:50: DUDES, STILL NOTHING. WHAT'S HAPPENING?
7:58: He... is... still... not... crying. (!!!)
8:05: "Check to see if he's okay. Like, make sure he's still breathing." --Wife, talking about an unfathomably complacent Boy C. FUCK YOU, BABY EINSTEIN VIDEOS. 2-1-3 will regulate all over yo' bitch ass.
8:08: You know what would be the best? If when this bundled up archdaemon finally explodes menace all over the innards of this Ford Expedition and we pull off the road into a parking lot, we look up and realize that we've parked in the lot of the Eastside Motel. If that happens, I'll never ever again doubt the existence of God.
8:13: Annnnnd there it is. Nate did a superheroic job, but he could only battle the evil for so long. We are currently experiencing a complete, total meltdown. Cherynobl was less catastrophic. We're stopping again, 30 miles short of our destination.
8:44: It's stone silent in here. It's beyond unsettling. Nobody wants to move, for fear of waking the beast. Every time I look in the backseat, Boy A and Boy B and me just trade glances back and forth with one another. There are no smiles. There are no giggles. There are no anythings. We are at Boy C's mercy. He is the tiniest tyrant.
8:53: Are we...
8:53:15: ...is it...
8:53:25: ...can it be...
8:53:35: YES. WE'RE HERE. THANK THE LORD. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CAR, STAT.
FINAL TALLY: 0 dead bodies. Success.