Justin Timberlake's 'Suit & Tie': Why This Song Sucks

Justin Timberlake's "Suit & Tie": Why This Song Sucks

By Shea Serrano Wed., Jan. 23 2013 at 4:00 AM

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears regularly on West Coast Sound.]

Song: Justin Timberlake, "Suit & Tie," featuring Jay-Z

History: "Suit & Tie" is the first song from Justin Timberlake's new album(!), The 20/20 Experience. People were super excited about the song before it was released, and I guess some still are* given that it's broken a few records since it came out, but a lot of people are wondering why it wasn't called "Shit & Tie" instead.

*I would anticipate that at least a portion of the people are mostly excited that he's not using his time to make Trouble With The Curve 2.

Atmospherics: Watery, billowy, supposed-to-be-sexy R&B for 20-year-olds, as seen through grown-upy, puffied, 30-and-40-year-old eyeballs*.

*Lots of times, before writing these columns I'll message a few writers smarter than me and ask them about the song. While talking to one person, I made the eyeballs remark, which then led into a tangent about regular ol' balls. All of a sudden: I'm terrified of old man balls. Like, I mean, I've seen mine, and those shits are gross. I can't even imagine what they're going to look like in another 30 years. It's going to be cataclysmic. They'll probably look like if Danny DeVito and Margaret Thatcher had a baby, but then left that baby in the sun for 40 weeks.

Scientific Analysis: First, there's a problem with the structure. "Suit & Tie" was written by five separate people (Timberlake, Jay-Z, Timbaland, James Fauntleroy II, Jerome Harmon). FIVE. That stat's particularly curious when you realize that they rhymed "good-looking" with "oven" in the opening verse. I'm saying, that means that someone inside of a room with four other very successful people, said, "Oh, I know what rhymes with 'good-looking': 'Oven,'" and then those other four very successful people were like, "SHIT, SON, YOU JUST SET THE WORLD ON FIRE WITH THAT ONE! WE GON' GET THESE MILLIONS!"

When I graduated high school, my parents threw a party for me. They held it in the backyard (every Mexican party is held in someone's backyard). We had a DJ there (he was my cousin's husband, because every Mexican DJ is someone's cousin's husband). He was playing this or that or whatever. It was fine. At one point, my Uncle Manuel grabbed his microphone and then tried rapping into it. He got one line out: "I'm from a neighborhood that's no good." You know what happened? Not millions of dollars. One of my other uncles threw a cupcake at him, is what. And 'neighborhood' and 'good' actually rhyme.

Second, the premise: Suits and ties can be cool, sure. And a big part of the song riffs on that. ("Tom Ford tuxedos for no reason." -Jay-Z) But there are very delicate parameters set in place that govern such things. To wit, this graph I found at the Science of Suit & Ties Institute of Cambridge:

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mkilikerealmusic

this is stupid. stop writing and get a real job

mkilikerealmusic

this is stupid. stop writing and get a real job

antinetcentral

TImberlake is trying to pretend he's Michael Buble now, and he doesn't have one tenth the voice, or the technical chops, so that's pretty much the end of the argument. I've thought Timberlake could dance at times, its obvious he studied Michael Jackson to the nth degree. Fine, but he has NO VOICE. You can't bring off that high pseudo-falsetto stuff unless you are really super talented, and let's face it, most of the best soul singers are black. Whites can do well in other genres, but Sinatra and Buble pretty much are it. Harry Connick Jr got laughed out of his career for sucking, and I actually think he's a better singer than JT, though the latter has more electricity.

Sorry, JT, you were a good mousesketeer, and boy band leader, but you lost you chance to get any rough edges by growing up rich and famous, and your voice is bad, and that's it. You're done. And no, you're not that good an actor either, and neither is your wife. Just go make some good-looking kids, and hope they do well in showbiz and get off the airwaves.

youcantsingforshit

@antinetcentral Are you kidding me?? Saying that Michael Buble has a voice that's TEN TIMES better?? I can't take anything else you say seriously, since you're apparently uneducated, ignorant, and dimwitted....not to mention hard of hearing.

Seriously. He does have a good voice. And by saying that "whites can do well in other genres, but Sinatra and Buble are pretty much it"....well, sounds like you have a reeeeeally limited appreciation for music.

Also, people change. He's not *trying* to be some hard ass, New Orleans-sounding bluesy guy. His vocal range is what it is. And it sounds good, actually. Fine if one doesn't like that sound, or thinness of voice. But to go on with the personal crap just sounds like you've got some kind of issues with him.