My 5-Year-Olds Face Off With iPhone's Siri

Boy B, he's a tad more clever than Boy A, so I formaybejustthislong was kind of excited to hear what he was going to ask for. What if he asks about the origins of the universe, I thought. Or if has some grand question about creationism or Marxism or any sort of -ism, that would be impressive, my brain spun. OMG THIS BOY IS GOING TO UNSPOOL ALL OF THE GREATEST MYSTERIES OF LIFE .

Boy B: Siri, ...CAAAAAN ...YOOOOU ...BRIIIIIING... MEEEEEE... AAAAAAA... Thumpback?

They asked questions and questions and questions. Thirty percent of the time Siri'd get close enough to their requests for them to be entertained. Seventy percent of the time she blocked their shots entirely, offering little more than a conciliatory alternate web page instead. (This, I'll admit, I'm envious of. Imagine being asked an uncomfortable question and then being able to offer that as a viable retort. "Where'd you go after work, Shea? Were you at the strip club?" ...I don't understand "Where'd you go after work, Shea," but I could search the web for it. Life = solved.)

The most enjoyable moment when Boy A asked her if she had a picture of him. He used his real name, but his kiddo slur made it impossible for her to understand him. She offered up 15 workout facilities keyed off by the term "Snatch gym," to which he replied, "Siri, I'm going to punch you in the face because that is NOT my name." T

Boy A then asked her to find the dastardly Camamoots, an imaginary villain the boys use to explain away all of the shitty things that they do. To wit: If you ask either of them why the lamp is broken or why there's a hole in the wall by the bathroom door or why there are boogers smeared on the TV, the only response you'll ever receive is, "Camamoots did it." Their solidarity is the most inspiring kind of infuriating.

After A asked Siri, she processed their request. He looked at his brother and his brother looked at him and then they both looked at the phone more passionately than anyone has ever looked at any inanimate object. After the tensest of moments, she proudly posted a picture of Arthur Moats, linebacker for the Buffalo Bills. I was surprised to learn that he could run the 40 yard dash in 4.6 seconds. I guess that's why we've never actually seen him.

After eight or nine minutes of doddling with Siri the boys got bored. "Daddy, she won't play anything," Boy A remarked. "I hate her. Can you just play the song on your computer?"

So that's what I did. Because this ain't for no fuck daddy, if you a real daddy, then fuck with me.

See also: The Time I Whooped a 14-Year-Old Kid at Basketball

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