Listening To Drake's "Started From The Bottom" 35 Times In A Row Until The Universe Reveals Itself

This is maybe a tired premise, or maybe a clichéd premise, or maybe something somewhere in between both of those, or maybe something nowhere close to either. Or maybe, DEFINITELY, not:

Drake released new music --the uneasy, unstoppably haunting "Started From The Bottom." Produced by the perfectly named Mike Zombie, it is, initially, only inches deep. But Drake is WAY too clever for it to not be something more than just some thumps and tinks and back of the throat croaks. He is, after all, perhaps the most important rapper of the last five years.

So, like 'twas foretold in the bible, probably if it's played 35 times in a row without a second's break, then the message, the real message, THE REAL MESSAGE of "Started From The Bottom," will unearth itself. Probably if it's played 35 times in a row without a second's break, then the message, the real message, THE REAL MESSAGE of "Started From The Bottom" will come creeping out of the darkest corners of the cosmos. Probably if it's played 35 times in a row without a second's break, then the message, the real message, THE REAL MESSAGE of "Started From The Bottom" will ooze out from the fringes of existence. Listen to it precisely 35 times and all will be yours, they said. So hell yeah, fucking right, we said.

The DRAKE 35x experiment:

Listenings: One through three

Easy breezy. This is clearly a good song. I can't think of too many other rappers that are as good at, during any point in time, bottling rap's zeitgeist and packaging it as a more consumable product that Drake. He is the ultimate cultural spin doctor.

Ooh, semi-related: Gross. Remember the Spin Doctors? You guys really botched that one, White People.

Listenings: Four through nine

Just some pertinent facts: Drake started from the bottom (or, at least an approximation of the bottom). And now he's here. What's more, he brought his whole team with him. Thus, they're all here too. Matter of fact, they're fucking here.

Listenings: Ten through twelve

I suspect Drake's meaning to use "fucking" in the phrase "fucking here" as an adjective, though I'm quite sure it also serves as a verb in real life. How many girls do you think have had sex with guys that have stood near Drake in hopes of actually having sex with Drake? A billion? How much sex a guy is having is almost certainly directly related to how near Drake said guy is able to stand. Consider that.

The Percentage You'll Be Having Sex That Night vs. How Close You Were Standing To Drake

Listenings: Thirteen

NEW IDEA: You know on Temple Run how, after earning enough coins, you can purchase those wings that let you skip past the first 2,500 meters or whatever? There should be wings like that for girls trying to have sex with Drake. Like, if you have them, if you have Whore Wings™, you can skip right past giving Terrence a handy in the bathroom and get straight to the jungle part of the game or whatever. I don't know. I've only played Temple Run, like, I'd guess about six times, so that analogy started to dissipate pretty quickly. I remember this one time I figured it'd be smart if I took a bunch of those flavor packets from Ramen Noodle Soup packages and made beef flavored kool-aid. (I was hungry and thirsty, obvs.) It sounded WAY better in my head. This is like that.

Listenings: Fourteen through nineteen

We are getting into the meat of it. I can feel the universe opening up its sex regions to my hypothalamus. This is probably exactly what it felt like for Einstein right before he came up with the theory of relativity, or what it felt like for the guy that invented the Sega Genesis right before he invented the Sega Genesis. We will be having cocktails with the greats soon.

Listenings: Twenty through twenty-two

Oh no. My brain, it is beginning to betray me. The water is becoming too deep. I'm tangled in Drake's nest. I'm being driven off course. THE DEVIL IS BUSY.

The more this plays, the more mysterious the seemingly simple construct "here" place becomes. It's the only thing I can even think about. I'm not sure I can even remember to breathe anymore. Here? HERE? What does that mean, "here"? What's there? What's it look like? Is it the worst? Is it amazing? Is it the lost city of Z? Is it Drake's house? OH MY GOD IS IT DRAKE'S HOUSE?! Drake has all sorts of amazing shit at his house, for sure. Like, I'll bet he has a wishing well in his house that actually works. And he definitely those doorknockers from Labyrinth that talk! And OH MY GOD IMAGINE THE PETS. Drake has the best pets, I just know it. Even money: When you walk into the front room, there's a credenza for a very nice television there, except instead of a very nice TV there are just a bunch of koala bears and shit walking around. OMGOMGOMGOMG I want to go to Drake's house SO BAD because I just know it's exactly like Adventures Of The Little Koala.

OH FUCK, I bet David The Gnome lives there too. HOLY CHRIST Drake has all the best old Nickelodeon TV shows living at his house! There's probably a You Can't Say That On Television room and a Salute Your Shorts room and a Double Dare room. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quit. I'm dead. I'm done. Drake wins it all. Drake a superhero. Jelly from my ears. There's been a crack, a break in reality. What's real?

Hold steady.

Listenings: Twuhnty-three throoooo 20+8

Well, that's it. So now I'm going to spend the next 18 minutes trying to find a place to illegally purchase a koala bear.