Baby Music Sucks
Any self-respecting parent who's gotten high and hooked up and read Camus and shit wants their offspring to grow up cool. And in today's ultra-competitive child-rearing environment, we all know that hipness starts at home.
So, the popularity of the Rockabye Baby series is understandable; it's a series of albums featuring "lullaby" versions of rock or rap artists' greatest hits, everyone from Blur and Nine Inch Nails to Jay-Z.
Put out by a label run by David Lee Roth's sister (seriously), they're instrumental and stripped of hard guitars and deep bass, while retaining the original songs' recognizable melodies. The main difference is that they're utterly, utterly unlistenable.
We get it -- parents are sick of boring kids' music. But these albums are not like Pixar movies that are enjoyable for the adult references and touchstones. The problem with the Rockabye Baby works is that they're stripped of everything you liked about the originals.
That and because they're all fucking xylophone.
You may not hate the Rockabye Baby songs upon first listen, as there's novelty in hearing a familiar radio tune rendered in G-rated fashion. But put one of these albums on for more than, say, 15 minutes -- at least as long as today's hyper-stimulated kids need to get to sleep -- and you'll wish you used protection.
Part of the problem is the sonic neutering and, yes, that every one I've heard has fucking xylophone from top to bottom (and I've heard a lot of them). This is understandable, since they're lullabies. But it goes deeper than that. These are songs that once meant a lot to you. They soundtracked your make-out sessions, your dark depressions, your great emotional victories, whatever. And the reason you liked them was because of how powerful the music was, how edgy and raw the emotions conveyed were. There was anti-authority and, yes, anti-parent sentiment in these tracks.
To have these strong symbols of your identity pureed in a blender, then, is a major letdown.
But it's not just the Rockabye Baby series that's the problem...