Sonic "Youth"

In the annals of rock there are many bands that people pretend to like, bands with fandoms consisting entirely of people desperately wanting to appear interesting by proxy. Royal Trux is a good example, as are Ween. Basically any Burzum fan who isn't a corpse paint-wearing, basement-dwelling Nazi from the hinter regions of Norway fits neatly in this category. King among bands that no one actually likes, however, is Sonic Youth.

See also: Pearl Jam Are the Most Boring Band in 20 Years

I remember the first time I heard Sonic Youth. I was about 13 and somehow acquired a copy of the tape on SST that runs backward on one side and forward on another. I know, right? How creative. After about 10 minutes of atonal moaning and swirling noise, I went back to my Black Flag and Black Sabbath records. How pedestrian of me, right?

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Flickr: Tanais

If you squint you can see me nowhere in this picture

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*Genital Portrait Studio: The Five Silliest Burning Man Camp Names
*We're All Going to Die: How to Pack For the Most Intense Burning Man Yet

It's about that time of the year again, when IT department heads and quality control experts shake off the shackles of their workaday lives, drop acid and hopefully get busy with multiple, anonymous partners. That's right kids, Monday brings us the Grand Poobah of all summer festivals, Burning Man, known as "The Burn" by the attending pungent throngs.

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Orange County ska group No Doubt just released their first new single in a decade, "Settle Down." We couldn't help but notice the cover of the record looks like dog shit. So we asked Dann Miller, a renowned graphic designer responsible for one of the year's best album covers, a few questions about it.

This No Doubt album cover is pretty terrible. Explain what makes it so.
Where to begin? First of all, I disagree with the full band photo on the cover. No one wants to look at the not-Gwen ding dongs in the band for any reason. They're in their 40s and still rocking eyeliner, teenager clothes and mall hair. Zoom in on Gwen, show a little side boob and call it a day. Instant platinum. Then there's the fact that this photo was raped to death in Photoshop.

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*Woody Guthrie in Los Angeles: A more vivid picture of the folk singer emerges via newly released songs from his time here
*New Woody Guthrie Songs Speak Poorly of 1930s Los Angeles

Woody Guthrie is one of the most universally celebrated musical figures of the 20th century, and there's been a gale of veneration accompanying the 100th anniversary of his birth tomorrow. This includes a weekend of tributes and events in his former 'hood Echo Park, and the renaming of a public square downtown in his honor. Our feature this week, meanwhile, tells the story of his time in Los Angeles, pre-fame, through analysis of four unearthed singles that were recorded here.

But much of Guthrie's story has been overlooked in our nation's attempt to lionize him as a working-class crusader and political icon over the years. For starters, few know that his father was a Klansman. Pops was also an upper-middle class Okehma, Okla., politician and land speculator. Guthrie, then, learned to sing and play guitar by imitating blues records from the comfort of his bedroom, not around a migrant labor camp fire. Throw in a nasty racist streak (outlined below), and one can make the case that his public and political presentation was fake, a theatrical facade.

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Paul T Bradley

Assholes

See also: Top 20 Hair Metal Albums of All Time

Def Leppard bailed on a fashion show yesterday. We know because we were trying to cover it. Fuck our life.

See, Rock of Ages, the movie, comes out next week, and its title comes from a Def Leppard song. The film features Tom Cruise singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me" (vomit) and apparently Def Leppard were on set when Cruise performed it and they liked it (double vomit).

In any case, the British cock rockers are in promotion mode for the film, which was supposed to bring them to a fashion show in a West Hollywood garden yesterday...

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The American Males of "AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES!" fame.

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Sunday is Wrestlemania 28, the WWE's annual sports-entertainment extravaganza. This year's card, headlined by The Rock vs. John Cena, is among the most anticipated of all time.

One of our favorite parts of the event is the spectacle of the superstars' entrances. While the greatest theme music, from Hulk Hogan's "Real American" to Steve Austin's glass-shattering, is fondly remembered as character-defining prime slices of Americana, the absolute worst are lost to the sands (or is that slams?) of time. We put the "sport of kings" in the Sharpshooter for a look at the five worst wrestling themes of all time.

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See also: Top 20 Sexiest Male Musicians of All Time: The Complete List

Last week, we unveiled the Top 20 Sexiest Male Musicians of All Time. As usual, there were cries of "What about that one guy I think is hot?" We agree with some of them. Jim Morrison was a talented mess with serpentine hips that looked good in leather. Michael Hutchence was a talented mess with enviable hair who looked good in leather. We regret those omissions, but hey, a democracy is a democracy.

But some revered sex symbols are overrated. LL Cool J's been up in the gym way too much, for instance. Jon Bon Jovi looked better with feathered bangs. Some men have it; others only briefly hold it. Here, then, are the five most overrated male musician sex symbols.

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Tool doing stuff we would've thought badass when we were 13

Here's the thing about '90s alt-rock: when you're a kid learning guitar, it is the work of heroes. Then some of those kids get older and realize Collective Soul's "Heavy" wasted an awesome riff on a formulaic, mediocre song. We took a trip down memory lane and revisited the albums we loved in junior high to see how well they hold up.

The Verve Pipe
Villians
Grade I Would Have Given It Then: A
Grade I Would Give It Now: B-

These guys were the most musical of the "scrunge" bands (to use an old SPIN term), which at the time got them compared to XTC from charitable press. But boy, were they stupid. A "shoe full of rice" could only belong in a hit ballad where a freshman regrets dumping a girl because she kills herself. But who told them "I'm in the photograph" is a shoutable chorus?

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I ain't tellin' you no lie

See also: Top 20 Worst Bands of All Time: The Complete List

Around the time OJ was acquitted I began college at a private liberal arts school in the lower midwest, a place where students who didn't get into Northwestern came to spend their parents' money on drugs. They also filled their dorm rooms with dubious tunes. Everyone was entitled; "If it doesn't feel good, why do it?" was our motto.

From that cesspool spawned significant followings for the following ten bands, all of whom seemed to come from Colorado. I've left off acts like Phish and Dave Matthews Band, because those groups have been terrorizing campuses for generations.

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See also: Top Ten Best Replacement Singers in Rock and Metal

At the beginning of the year, Boston metalcore giants Killswitch Engage announced that they had parted ways with vocalist Howard Jones, and two weeks ago they announced they were bringing their first vocalist, Jesse Leach, back into the fold. At the very least, it seems a way to ensure they won't show up on our list of the least successful replacement singers in rock and metal. Yes, Virginia, Gary Cherone (above) is involved.

10. Every Dead Kennedys vocalist not named Jello Biafra
Dead Kennedys (2001-present)
Disputes over royalty payments and licensing have left Jello Biafra on the sidelines while the rest of the Dead Kennedys continue to play punk rock festivals as a sad nostalgia act. Vocalists since 2001 have included non-luminaries such as Dr. Know frontman Brandon Cruz, Jeff Penalty, and current vocalist Skip Greer. No singer yet has matched the energy and power that Biafra's vocals gave to these songs. More »