It has come to this

Back in July, I met Slash for the first time ever. Sure, it's daunting and all to meet the guy whose MTV video solos you imitated on your coffee table with a broom.

But then he was all, "I think we've met before."

Uh, no. We had not. I think I would have remembered.

Then it hits. He thinks I'm some other bald bearded dude he's met before, someone approximately my age. Our beloved Slash, master shredder of strings, legend of rock is a fucking baldist.

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Gangsta rap jokes are almost as old as gangsta rap itself, with seminal hip-hop comedies CB4 and Fear of a Black Hat dropping in 1994. There are probably earlier examples in song; indeed, short of hair metal, few musical genres are more ripe for parody.

Since then gangsta rap gags have not abated, in fact in recent years they've increased exponentially. For every fairly-hilarious example -- say Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" or Jon Lajoie's "Everyday Normal Guy" -- there's an absolute deluge of shit. In fact, check your Facebook feed right now. There's probably a link to a YouTube video of a white suburban man/woman/family posturing and joke-rapping.

Of course, they know they aren't thugs. They're boring, they live safe lives, and the idea of them playing gangsta is absolutely hi-larious. Only, it's not. It's super tired, and increasingly offensive. Here are some of the worst of these videos.

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Last week, rapper Lil Wayne added to his already-quite-substantial legacy by breaking Elvis Presley's record for most songs on the Hot 100 charts by a solo artist. Immediately, however, many began squawking that this record deserved an asterisks, a la Roger Maris' 61 home runs.

See also: *My Brother Smoked A Blunt With Lil Wayne; That's When Things Got Weird
*Kreayshawn's New Album Is Not, In Fact, the Worst-Selling Ever

Wayne's feature on The Game's "Celebration" was the 109th time Weezy has charted; pretty impressive, especially considering that while Wayne just turned 30, Elvis had his 108th hit 26 years after his death. The trolls who find the Martian's name not worthy of mention in the same sentence as the King had a field day, but even Billboard's piece on the record felt the need to undercut Wayne's achievement by pointing out, of his charting songs, he's the lead on less than half.

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Does this look like Michael Bolton to you?

By John Seaborn Gray

Used to be you'd have to hit bar after bar until you found just the right jukebox, which promptly became your own personal lair of alcohol consumption. Folks demanded more freedom of choice, however, so many bars have switched over to Internet jukeboxes, where you can download your song of choice on the spot.

But when used improperly, Internet jukeboxes are proof that democracy DOES NOT WORK. So don't just learn the following rules for yourself: Learn them FOR AMERICA.

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See also: The Most Important Album of the Last 25 Years Isn't Nevermind, It's Guns N' Roses' Appetite For Destruction

If you aren't familiar with Nirvana's sophomore release, 1991's Nevermind, you were probably born after the Y2K scare or believe that music peaked when Rush released Moving Pictures. The work from the Seattle grungesters -- which brought true alternative rock to mainstream radio airplay with "Smells Like Teen Spirit," "Come As You Are," and "Lithium" -- is considered by many to be the most important rock album of the last three decades. We disagree. In fact, we don't even think it's Nirvana's best work.

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Timothy Norris

*Our review of Frank Ocean at The Wiltern, 7/17/12
*Syd the Kyd on Odd Future, Her Sexuality and Why She Hates the Word "Lesbian"

Earlier this month, rising R&B crooner and Odd Future member Frank Ocean came out of the closet. (More or less.) Since then there's been an outpouring of support from fans, the media and the music industry. Russell Simmons called the move a "game changer" in the notoriously queer-unfriendly realm of hip-hop and R&B. Aside from some random trolls, most folks are singing his praises, and indeed he won tons of new fans in the process.

Ocean has a new album, Channel Orange, and a show at the Wiltern tomorrow night. We too salute him. But all of this fanfare gives us pause. Because it wasn't that long ago that another Odd Future member, Syd the Kyd, went public with her sexuality. One could say that was a much bigger deal; in fact, she was literally the first mainstream hip-hop artist to come out of the closet.

But that announcement barely made waves, and in fact she even faced a bit of criticism. What gives?

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Top 20 Worst Bands of All Time

Every day America swallows lots of sickly sweet pop music, without hint of a stomachache. But what about in the long run -- will it give us, to extend the metaphor, stomach cancer? Now pop ain't all bad, but it's certainly a hydra-headed monster of paradox; the more you ponder its complexities the more snarling heads it grows.

The Good: The best pop music's best quality is that it unites us. It allows a lot of people to connect over a piece of music until it becomes a sort of cultural bridge. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" is an example of this, completely infectious, yet original and creative. A musician's vision can manifest itself into something that can bring a lot people together in an artistic context. That's powerful.

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Twenty years ago I discovered Morrissey; he gave expression to the deep isolation and longing for connection that I felt as a suburban misfit. As I grew older it became less about the Pope of Mope, however, and more about the well-dressed man singing operatic odes to skinheads and small-time criminals.

But forget about that. My two decade Moz obsession has come to an end. Why? I realized that Morrissey is little more than a cheap knockoff of Roxy Music frontman Bryan Ferry. For the uninitiated, Roxy Music were glam/art rock pioneers from the early '70s who rivaled even Bowie with hits like "Virginia Plain" and "Street Life," both of which presaged the coming punk revolution. While watching Roxy Music perform "Really Good Time" on a YouTube clip, it all came into focus -- the affected poshness, the self-consciously ironic "Britishness," the two-note vocal moan, all of it appropriated by Moz.

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Wikipedia Commons

See also:
*Our Adam Yauch Obituary
*Adam Yauch, RIP: A Life in Photos

Adam Yauch, better known as MCA of the Beastie Boys, died last week. His group was a big deal in hip-hop, not just because they were the first white act to break through, but because they helped establish both the sample-based production and rambunctious lyricism that made rap an international juggernaut.

Within the act, Yauch stood out as well, as noted by our writer Chaz Kangas, for bringing them early credibility. "[H]is grizzled voice -- between Ad-Rock and Mike D.'s higher-pitched wails -- made for their most conventional element, allowing them to connect to a more traditional hip-hop audience."

But from the string of memorials that have come out since his death, one could get the impression that a single stanza came to define his career, from the group's 1994 track "Sure Shot":

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See also: Pop Bottles: Glasses Malone's Debut Album Finally Drops

A few months ago, Watts rapper Glasses Malone stopped by LA Weekly to chat about his oft-stalled debut album on Cash Money Records. When asked about the delay, his theory was, "I'm not willing to make a fool of myself to get attention. I just make really good music. This is a big success for me 'cause I didn't make a fool of myself to get to this point. I retained my dignity."

Then he released "#Rihanna" last week and lost it.

The song begins innocently enough. Over droopy synth keys and soul claps, Glasses growls that a girl has called and told him she dumped her boyfriend. She wants to be with him. But then things get murky.

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