[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: The Cranberries, "Zombie"

History: "Zombie" came out in 1994. It was on No Need to Argue, the second album from the Irish rock band that everyone spent a few years pretending to like. BTW, Ireland, America still isn't over Tom Cruise's accent in Far and Away. Screw you for that.

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Ginuwine's "Pony"

History: "Pony" came out in 1996. It was the first single Ginuwine released. It may have revolutionized the way guys behave around women. Also, a lot of people (probably) had sex to it. I didn't. In 10th grade I stopped a makeout session to turn it on, and shortly afterwards the girl got up and left. Maybe it was because Ginuwine started calling his penis a pony, or maybe it was because I came back with my shirt off. Who knows? Girls are a mystery.

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Khia's "My Neck, My Back (Lick It)"

History: "My Neck, My Back" was recorded in 2002. It's still mostly memorable for two lines: (1) "All you ladies pop that pussy like this," which is the very first thing Khia says, and (2) "My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack," which is the chorus. When it came out people were like, "Oh my word, she's objectifying men," and most people thought that was fair; funny, even. But Too Short was like, "Nuh-uh, honey" and recorded a retaliation track called "My Dick, My Sack**," and that makes him an accidental participant in the gender wars.

**You can probably figure out how that chorus goes.

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: MC Hammer's "Too Legit To Quit"

History: It was no "You Can't Touch This," but lots of people remember "Too Legit To Quit" because it came with a nifty little 4-part hand gesture. Remember?

Too bad it was three moves too long. The amended version:

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend"

Preemptive Note: Before we get into this, and I don't think this is weird to mention because it's so obviously true, but you'll need to turn off your libido when examining this song. Otherwise your data will be for shit because, dudes, Justin Bieber is smoking hot now. I mean, look at him. He's like a non-threatening young Brad Pitt. I guess there's no real way to verify it, but I'm willing to bet that when God finished making him, he was like, "Fuck yeah, bros! Up top!" and then just started giving everyone Delicate One Fives*.

See also:
*Gotye Tells Us His Life Story
*The Worst of Coachella: Weekend One

Song: Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know," featuring Kimbra

History: "Somebody That I Used To Know" is a song that people LOVE. Like, I mean A LOT. It's mostly White people. I think Gotye might be White Tupac, but I'm not certain. Also, I think we're all just supposed to pretend that Damien Rice wasn't doing this bit about 40X better already. It's probably because Gotye is from Australia and Rice is from Ireland and Australia is considerably more hipster-chic than Ireland. I mean, did you even see Crocodile Dundee? It's the most post-meta movie ever made. LULZ. ALT. <3 <3 #LOOKATMYJORTS MEME meme meme MEME

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

See also: We Need a New 'Eye of the Tiger.' Here Are Five Candidates

Song: Joe Esposito's "You're The Best"

History: This is the song they play near the end of The Karate Kid when Daniel LaRusso first starts putting it on those Cobra Kai pussies in the All Valley Karate Championship.

Note: In the interest of scientific accuracy, I'd like to point out that the usage of the term "pussies" is meant to mean "sissies" or "punks," not "vaginas." I thought that might've been confusing because I'm sure Daniel LaRusso put it on some actual vaginas after the tournament. How could he not have? I mean, he's beautiful AND courageous. If I had a vagina, and had I seen him fighting, I'd for certain have let him pu--you know what. Never mind. You get it.

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Saved by the Bell's theme song

History: Saved by the Bell was a TV show that came on in 1989 that everyone loved without reservation because everyone was being sincere about how they felt because they were kids but then everyone grew up and turned into great big obnoxious assholes so now they try and say that, yeah, sure, they loved it but even as a kid they understood it was a bad show and then you have to stand there and listen to them try to intellectualize it while you silently hope a plane falls out of the sky and lands right the fuck on your forehead.

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Skrillex's "First of the Year"

History: There were some remarkable musical things happening in London right around the beginning of this century and a guy from Los Angeles maybe heard some of them and then he got an interesting haircut and then he made "First of the Year" and everyone was like, "Holy fuck. This is amazing."

Atmospherics: Digital melodicism; amber pianos; ambient wind tunnel spookiness; RAHRAHRAHRAHs; VHGHHHHHHs; !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!s.

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight"

History: "In The Air Tonight" was the first single of the solo Phil Collins era. Lots of people know it. You (probably) know it. Your friends (probably) know it. If you have a kid older than, say, 17-years-old, your kid (probably) knows it. If your kid has a kid, your kid's kid (probably) doesn't know it. Oh, also: Shaq used it in a song of his on his 1996 album, You Can't Stop The Reign, because nobody was brave enough to tell Shaq that the Orlando Magic drafted him to put a ball in a hoop, not to make rap albums with silly titles.